So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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