Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
