My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
