Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
