my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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