ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
