Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
