I met the friendliest cop last night
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
