How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
