Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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