He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
