I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
