just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
