your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
