if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
