You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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