My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
