Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
