After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We named our party play list daddy issues
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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