drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
