oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
