I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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