Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
