Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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