Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
