I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
