he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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