careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
