So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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