Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
