do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
