Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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