Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
