So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
