i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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