I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
