I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
