i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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