we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
