last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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