i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
