my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
