My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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