I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
