Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I need to calm my uterus...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
