So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
