In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
