where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
