i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
