I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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